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My friend doesn't want to get married - if only one dreams of a wedding

Man_will_not_marry

She has always dreamed of a white dress, he never wanted to wear a ring. "A classic," says the couple therapist. But the path to a solution is a rocky one.

Do you know any of these couples where the woman has been hoping for a marriage proposal for decades, while her boyfriend wouldn't dream of going to the jewelry store? Or have you been discussing the pros and cons of marriage for ages? After all, you are not alone in this, because this conflict is an absolute classic, couples therapist Eric Hegmann knows and has a damper for everyone who hoped for a patent recipe: "The one-sided desire to get married is one of these conflicts in which you rarely have one Compromise with which both are equally satisfied. “Oh, dear. But he's right. Half marriage is not possible.

Why do I want to get married?

The desire to get married can be due to a variety of reasons. "It is often the need for security for yourself or children together," says Eric Hegmann. But it can also be a childhood dream that comes from family pressure or simply corresponds to religious beliefs. “The motifs,” explains Eric Hegmann, “are definitely very important and each motif also has a story. It often helps them both to know this story. This applies to both sides because even a “no” has a motive. “Incidentally, the“ no ”is more common in men up to the mid-30s, statistically. It turns around later. From around 50, women are more likely to avoid stepping in front of the altar or registrars.

"I want to" - talking doesn't always help

For most couples, the discussion about the wedding ends in an endless loop of demands and withdrawals, not infrequently peppered with innumerable allegations. "Talking is not always the solution," says Eric Hegmann, "you often turn in a circle when talking." In his practice, he therefore particularly likes to use two exercises that help the couple to escape the vicious circle of accusations and justifications. He particularly likes the heading of the first exercise. "Compromise with me like with someone you love" is the guiding principle of the exercise "The art of compromise" by Professor John Gottman. This exercise uses the dissecting knife and reveals: A wedding consists of an incredible number of parts.

The art of finding a compromise

In the exercise, an inner and an outer circle is drawn, then the “ wedding“And everything she stands for is broken down into small parts. The celebration with friends and family, the white dress, the blessing, the surname, the security ... all of this is considered in isolation. Then the couple sorts. The non-negotiable premises are placed in the inner circle, the negotiable is in the outer circle. "Couples often find a compromise that is acceptable to both, or they suddenly understand the importance of the other's motives better so that they can deviate from their point of view," says the therapist. Another possibility: the question “The Inner Team”, an exercise by Friedemann Schulz von Thun. Because not only a wedding consists of many parts, but also our personality - we always suspected it! The second exercise should be done with an expert. "You have to practice that," says Eric Hegmann. "The exercise is not particularly easy for two."

The conflict cannot simply stop

With all difficulties in marriage-yes-or-no-drama - simply leaving the conflict unresolved, Eric Hegmann thinks nothing of it. "If the problem has already turned into an elephant, you have to at least integrate the elephant," he says. Otherwise, there is a risk that one may still hope and the other has long since ticked off. "Both should be clear about the next steps at all times," he says. "In the best-case scenario, it is not simply the one with the" no "that prevails, but the strongest and most convincing motive." In order to ascertain this at all, the couple above all needs a good culture of conversationTheir most important rule? "Never describe your partner, but only yourself!" Says Eric Hegmann. "And always remember: Find a compromise like with someone you love." We think A really good sentence. Because you sometimes forget about love in an argument. It should actually be the basis of every marriage. It doesn't matter whether it's already closed or just a dream.

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